Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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