Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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