Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
