New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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