Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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