I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
