im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
