i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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