You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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