It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
