Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
