I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
