I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
