youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
