If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
