im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Randomize
