Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
