Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
