I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
