i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
