i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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