Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
