I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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