yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
