His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
