did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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