I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
