The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
