I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
