I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Randomize
