I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
