Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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