I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
