I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
