i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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