I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
