Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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