I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
