Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
