yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
