So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You ate ashes out of my bong
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
