I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Less talking, more tequila
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
