The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
