A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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