We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
