I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
