I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
