When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
