its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
