Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
