I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
