I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
