So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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